Posted for Derek because he keeps bugging me to post.

I'm trying to get by. It's hard, having him so far away. He's my best friend, the person who makes me the happiest I've ever been.

And I miss him so damn much. Every chance I get to see him seems so fleeting, to short of a window. I know we can make it, but it's just harder than I thought it would be. I suppose we'll be better for it. Appreciate the time we have with each other when we don't have to worry about an expiration date. The days I'm not with him fly by fast, but so, too, do the moments I am.

I'm just ready for this year to be over.

Ready to see him anytime I want.

Ready to not have to say goodbye. I'm trying so hard to get this year over with. To run past the days that will bring me closer to the man I want to be with. This separation is killing me, but he is keeping me alive. I need him so much, and I'm trying to make it to that moment where I can just be with him.

I love him so much.

and it was me and you, and the whole town underwater

Time is running out.

As we knew it would. It's just weird seeing it here, so close, so... tangible. I can already see myself saying goodbye, closing the door, seeing him for one last time until i make the first of many visits back home.

Everything will be different. It will be the start of a test to see if We'll make it. I have confidence that We'll pass, but it's going to be tough. We're going to have to do the work if this project is going to be an A+.

But if, and WHEN We make it through this tough year, We will be better for it. We'll be close, and We'll know that we can overcome even time and distance.

If Claire Abshire can fall in love with a man she met 152 times over the span of her life before he even knew who she was, and stay in love with him over a gap of several years, then i believe we can make it.

"This isn't a conversation about this being over, it's, it's... I'm not, like, putting a period at the end of this, you know, I'm putting, like, an ellipsis on it, cause I'm- I'm- I'm worried that if I don't figure myself out, if I don't go like land on my own two feet, then I'm just gonna to mess this whole thing up, and this is too important. I gotta go... you changed my life in [a year]. This is the beginning of something really big. But right now, I gotta go."

It's been a while...

not that anyone reads my blog...

but i decided I would post on here again. School is about to start, and I think I'm almost ready.

Not physically.... I'm not packed, my room isn't cleaned (but it's on it's way) and everything for my dorm isn't bought yet.

but Mentally. I've been so scared of leaving, and I still am, but I think I'm ready to accept that it's not going to change, and that I have to just deal with it. I'm almost ready for this next step. I'm still not read to leave everyone behind, but I'm ready to move forward.

It's not a great place to be in...

But i'll work through it, I know I will. I'm strong, or I like to think so anyway. And I have people who will help me through this.

So here's to reassurance, I suppose. And acceptance.

TCU, i'll see you in a few weeks.

So this is the New Year

And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions



So, it's a new year. this year seems pretty new so far, i guess?
it's actually pretty similar to most new years:

-fireworks on new years eve
-writing '08 instead of '09 in the date
-dreading the return of school
-holiday lag: still used to sleeping in, and staying up late. not good for school...

but this new years was somewhat significant.
mainly for it's fleetingness. it seems that most years, christmas holidays and new years takes forever to arrive, and we have all this time to prepare, and anticipate. but this year, it just creeped up on me. i found myself running out of time to christmas shop,, and spend time with friends. then new years rushed by.

now, only five months till i graduate.



five.








not much, especially since this year seems to be going quicker the closer it gets to the end. i had been slowly realizing just how little time i had here in Lufkin, but full realization hit me like bricks the first day back to school.
i think it happened to everyone, because we were all talking about how close we were to graduation.

suddenly, i can't imagine life outside of high school, and college seems like some scary, but exciting place that will be forever outside of my reach, as if i'm held in this invisible cage. i can reach my fingers out, but my body won't mover an inch closer. it's like.... watching a movie, a documentary from long ago. you know whatever that movie is about is out there, but you won't be able to reach it, see it, experience it.

that's what i'm feeling. i kind of don't want to. i want to stay in lufkin, i went to get out of high school, but i'm going to miss the people, the (few) things, (some of) the classes i had.







so, this new year, as routine as it's been, has been a complete rollercoaster lately...



-H